Noah’s Hope

Cast :	Noah
Mother (wife of Noah)
Ess/Shem
Aitch/Ham
Jay/Japheth
Droiditimus Winston-Stanley III (aka “droid”)

Props :	3 cardboard boxes
	Captain’s log (an actual log, you know like wood and everything)
	Rolling pin/Garlic crusher

Noah:	[To Droid] It’s time for our first log entry. Droid? 

[Droid hands Noah the Log]

[To Log]  Captain's Log.  Star date 3.  We have now been in the box for three days.  Supply 
status favourable, particularly ... water.  The animals we have taken on board, in order to ensure the successful colonisation of the new world, are starting to get a little restless.  Particularly the Baboons. [Baboon noises offstage]

[Noah hands the Log back to the Droid, and walks off-stage. Short pause. Noah walks back on and Droid hands Noah the Log]

Star date 3.1415 ... mmmmmmmmmmmm ... pieeee ...

[Noah hands the Log back to the Droid, and walks off-stage. Pause. Noah walks back on and Droid hands Noah the Log]

Star date 17.  Seventeen days floating in the box.  Supplies still good.  I am starting to wish we hadn't put the baboons immediately behind my seat.  [Seat lurches]

[Noah hands the Log back to the Droid, and walks off-stage. Pause. Noah walks back on and Droid hands Noah the Log]

Star date 40.  *!@*!*!@***! baboons ... when we get to the new world I'm going to ...

[Massive thud, all rock. Noah rushes off-stage]

Droid:	Did you hear that?  [Beeps]  They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure! 
	[Sighs]  It should've been me, you know. I should've been the famous one. Why am I here, 	playing a robot? I'm a classically trained actor. I played Richard III at the Globe. I got five 	curtain calls.

[Another massive thud]

Droid:	Did you hear that? They really have shut down the main reactor.  Oh my prophetic soul!  I 
must wake the crew.

[Pushes a few buttons. Ess, Aitch and Jay wake up. Each is sitting in a cardboard box.]

J:	Whoa, that was some kip.

S:	My head hurts.

H:	I'm surprised there's anything in there to hurt.

S:	Is it over then? Are we nearly there yet?

J:	These cryostasis beds are fantastic, aren't they? We must've slept for years.

H:	Yes, it's amazing what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.

J:	What do you think it'll be like now? Do you think they'll have intelligent life?

H:	[Pointedly] Well we're certainly not bringing much with us.

S:	I hope they do! I hope they have new flavours of ice-cream, and flying cars, and wrist 
watches 	that turn into sofas!

H:	Good grief...

S:	I hope they'll have cured all disease, and everyone will live for ever. They'll be fabulously 
	wealthy too.

J: 	Yes, but think what the new world might be like.  Perhaps they created a huge race of  machines, which turned against them and now they're hopelessly enslaved.  The machines control their lives, and the people pander to their every whim.  We might have to rush in and save them in the nick of time.   	

S:	Oh my gosh, is that the time? I'm missing the Eastenders omnibus! Quick, to the television!

H:	Yes, on second thoughts it might be too late to save some people from the machines.  I must  say I'll be glad to get away from the rest of you.  In the new world hopefully I won't have to put up with this.  I think I'll found my own city ... statues of me, of course, and thousands of slaves to do my ... umm ... homework.

J:	But think of the chaos they could be in.  We don’t know how long we were frozen in those cryostasis beds. It could’ve been centuries! Civilisation could have collapsed, and the people are crying out for a leader ... a new society ... I hope I can be that leader... I can create a new society... there are times when the world calls out for one man to lead them to freedom, to a bright future, to write out rotas for them.  [Consults his clipboard.]  Speaking of which, it's time for Ess to muck out the baboons.

Droid:	Excuse me sirs, but might I have a word?

H:	Yes. Are we nearly there yet?

Droid:	It’s to avoid comments like that that your father put you into deep freeze. I was about to say that we've been struck by a large object, and seem to have lost the main reactor.

S,H:	What?!

J:	What does Father say?

Droid:	Your father doesn't seem to be here. 

[Enter Noah, hotly pursued by mother with Garlic crusher]

Noah:	It's not my fault!

Mother:	You're telling me there's nothing that you can do?

Noah:	I didn't design the thing—[aside to S,H,J] evening kids—[to mother] I just put the thing together. [Pause, then to kids] Why are you awake, kids?

H:	The toaster woke us.

Droid:	How rude!

Noah:	Now, now. I've told you not to call him that. [To Droid] What's wrong?

Droid:	We seem to have lost propulsion, master.

Noah:	Oh I think that's unlikely.

Mother:	Oh you do, do you? Why, pray tell? You didn't design it, after all, you simply 'put it together'. Now you're overriding the droid! We're all done for.

Noah:	Yes, well, I don't think we've lost propulsion because, well, we never had any.

Mother:	We what?

Noah:	We never had any propulsion.  I was told just to let the box drift around.

S:	But we'll never make it to the new world if we just drift!

Noah:	Look, I told you when we set off that we were just going to have to trust in my instructions.

Mother:	Oh here we go again. Who gave you these instructions?  Who told you all this stuff about 	a floating box?   You don't know, do you?  You just got radioed one day. You were 	picked out of all the people.

Noah:	It was broadcast to everyone, dearest. All I did was radio back.

Mother:	Yes, yes wasn't that nice of you? So, you heard there was going to be a terrible catastrophe, and like a fool you believed it.  So thanks to you, we've had to spend all this time cooped up in this box like sardines.

Noah:	Look, you think I enjoyed it? You didn't have the flipping baboons behind you all the way. Thump, thump, thump on the back of the chair. I said we should put them in the cryo-freezer like the kids, but no...

Mother:	I can't go without chocolate.

S, J, H: 	And we can't go without ice-cream!  

[Droid tries to get a word in edgeways.]

Noah:	There aren't enough freezers to bring ice-cream! There's a reason I put all the animals in suspended animation—they don't like being cooped up! I don't like being cooped up, and I certainly don't like being cooped up with an entire ecosystem running around the control room.

Mother:	You said we should bring lots of food. Lots of food of lots of different kinds, you said, to feed 	us all for a long time.

Noah:	I was thinking of the animals! Staple foods, you know—bread, grain, rice, vegetables. I was not thinking of 30 tonnes of jelly and ice-cream!

S:	But that's my staple food.

Droid:	Excuse me, sir.

Noah:	Yes?

Droid:  	Since we've come to a halt, don't you think it would be a good time for us to go and see 	what the new world is like?  
 
Noah:  	What?  Oh, good thinking.
   
[The doors open.]  

Droid:	Allow me, sir.  

Mother:	Perhaps we could send one of the birds?

Droid:  	Oh really! I think I can handle a little walk around. It’ll be good to get my feet back on solid ground.

[The Droid walks out (i.e. offstage).  A long descending scream and a splash.]

S:	What happened to him?

H:	Our artistic license expired.

Noah:	[Looking out]  We seem to be stuck on top of a mountain.

J:	That's no mountain... that's a space station. Oh no, my mistake. It's a mountain.

H:	Well there's still a lot of water around.

Mother:	How lovely it all looks—a brand new world. Peace and quiet.

S:	I hope there’s lots of food. Lots and lots!

H:	And I'll have all the glory. Yes! Statues of me in every park, parades in my honour every year! Millions of worshippers. 

J:	And they'll all need me to tell them what to do. We'll need a rota, and biweekly meetings of the syndicated association club for administrative affairs. At the head of it all... me! Nothing will happen without my permission, everyone will turn to me for guidance, direction, a sense of leadership and purpose. 

Noah:	You do realise there's no-one out there. No-one except a soggy droid.

J:	No, that can't be right. Who'll need organising then?

Noah:	Only us, and I think I can manage that. [Mother laughs]

H:	Not even a few worshippers? What about admirers then?

Noah:	I'm afraid not.

S:	What will I eat?

Noah:	Well we've still got 27.6 tonnes of jelly and ice-cream.

S,H,J:	Hurray! [Run off cheering wildly]

Mother:	There goes my peace and quiet.

Noah:	Well, I got what I wanted: we're safe and sound. No more baboons hitting my chair either. It does look beautiful, all that water. Gallons and gallons of water, as far as the eye can see. Gushing, and gurgling, and...

S:	Daddy?

Noah:	Yes?

S:	I need to go to the toilet.

Noah:	Alright then, you can use the toilets in the back.

	[Exit S]

Mother:	[Cynically] Strange, though—you'd think there'd be some sign of whoever it was who 	radioed you.          

Noah:	[A bit crestfallen]  Well ... perhaps you’re right.  [Suddenly excited]  Hey, look! There's a big bow in the sky, after the rain. It's all multicoloured and beautiful, like a guitar strap. 

Mother:	Calm down dear, you've been working too hard. A drink will steady your nerves.

Noah:	Yes, it’s wet from the rain, and arched like a bow. I know, I'll call it... a wet arch.

Mother: Well, how about a rainbow dear?

Noah:	Rain-bow. Well it sounds a bit like a kids' TV programme to me, but all right. Rain-bow it is. 

- THE END -

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