NTTV

Cast:	Luke		Daytime TV presenter
	Mary		Daytime TV presenter
	Nosius Maximus	Roman reporter
	Lazarus		
	Biggus Ronnus	manager of Corinthians United FC

Props:	Sofa, flipchart inc. weather map, “weather” symbols, bandages

Scene 1

Scene opens with Luke and Mary sat close together on the sofa. Luke is staring into Mary’s eyes, and has his arm around her.

Luke:	It’s your eyes. Really, they’re beautiful... [Suddenly puts hand to right ear] What? Right 
now? [Looks sharply up at audience, realising they’re on air] (Ahem) Good morning, I’m Luke.

Mary:	And I’m Mary.

Luke:	And this is NTTV. Coming up in this programme—Jesus of Nazareth, from cradle to 
crucifix?

Mary:	Handy cooking tips for those really big dinner parties.

Luke:	Health advice for the recently deceased.

Mary:	A preview of the new gameshow, ‘Who wants to win a million talents?’

Luke:	Interviews.

Mary:	And a chance to have your say in our phone-in. This week’s subject is the thorny issue of 
political prisoners, so why not pick up that phone and talk to the nation on 0800 
ALLGREEK.

Luke:	Later in the programme we’ll also be bringing you the latest football news, including the 
result from the derby game at Corinth.

Mary:	But first, some headlines.

Luke:	The increase in angel sightings culminates in mass appearance over fields near Bethlehem. 
“Amazing” says local shepherd.

Mary:	New star baffles astronomers. Wise men from the East say “A king is born”.

Luke:	King Herod’s approval ratings plummeted this week after he announced a radical 
programme of mass infanticide.

Mary:	And finally—30 years later—man dressed in camel skin baptises thousands in the Jordan.

Luke:	But the real story of the day is Jesus of Nazareth. Missing for 40 days after his baptism, he 
reappeared only to begin a radical programme of teaching and miracle-working. We sent our Roman reporter, Nosius Maximus to investigate, find out what’s going on, and report it.

[Cut to outside]

Nosius:	Thanks Luke. I’m here in the town of Capernaum amid quite incredible scenes. Let’s get 
some reaction from the crowd:

[Interview various unsuspecting members of the audience. Finally come to the no-longer-blind man]

Nosius:	Hang on a minute, I think I recognise you. You look just like that blind man who’s always 
begging round here. Actually I can’t see him at the moment...

Man:	You’re right, I used to beg here every day.

Nosius:	It was you? But you were blind—what happened?

Man:	Well it was the strangest thing. I’ve been blind all my life, but yesterday Jesus came by and, 
well, he healed me!

Nosius:	Absolutely incredible! Now, do you worry about the catering for those large dinner parties? 
	Well fear not—yes, it’s time for our regular cookery slot with our resident chef, Delius.

Delius:	Hello! Now I’m sure you’re all familiar with the scene: you’ve invited all your friends to 
dinner, only to discover you’ve hardly anything to give them. Time to panic? Not after today, because I’m going to show you how to cater for the masses with only five loaves of bread, and two fishes.

[Walks to the table]

Now I learned this little recipe from Jesus Josephson so it may be familiar to those of you from the Galilee area but it was new to me. What he did was he took the loaves of bread like this...

[Picks up the bread]

...said a few words over it... broke it...

[Breaks the bread]

... and handed it out. So here’s one piece, and there’s another... let me just distribute that... and while I do that, let me recap the recipe. Five loaves of bread, and two fish. Say a few words of thanks over them, and then distribute them—hang on. Well that’s not right because we’ve run out of bread. I saw him though, that’s all he did. 

[Holds hand to right ear as if hearing from the producers]

Yes I’m sure! He did it again a few days later so I know what happened. There were basketfulls left over as well. I just don’t understand it. Let’s try the fish... there’s one piece... there’s another... no, you see we’re running out of fish already. I, um, well, er—back to you Nosius.

Nosius:	Yes, um, thank you Delius. I’m here with a teacher of the law, a Pharisee no less, to find out 
what the legal profession think of the man.

Teacher:	Well he’s clearly a heretic. 

Nosius:	A heretic?

Teacher:	Yes, a heretic, a blasphemer and a troublemaker. Why only yesterday he healed on the 
Sabbath! That’s just not right.

	[Enter Lazarus, covered in bandages]

Nosius:	Oh my goodness! Excuse me sir, but I need to talk to this man. 

[Starts walking towards Larry]

There’s a man just walked along who’s covered from head to foot in bandages and grave clothes. I’ll try and grab a word... Hello! Hello!

Larry:	Yes?

Nosius:	Hi—Nosius Maximus, NTTV and you are...?

Larry:	Larry.

Nosius:	Well Larry, you look like you’ve had quite an adventure. Perhaps you could tell our viewers 	what happened.

Larry:	Of course. I died a few days ago, and then—

Nosius:	Sorry, did you say died?

Larry:	That’s right. Well when Jesus came by—that’s Jesus Josephson, from Nazareth—well he’s a 
friend of mine and he was really upset. Anyway he came to my tomb, and then he had the tomb opened and, well, he called me out. I didn’t know anything about that at the time of course, but I heard him call me out and I just walked out of the tomb. Mary—that’s my sister—well she could hardly believe her eyes!

Nosius:	That’s amazing. Thank you for sharing that with us Larry. As you can see there have been 
some phenomenal things happening around this man Jesus. Now back to you in the studio.

Luke:	Thanks Nosius. We’ll be hearing more from Nosius later in the show. Now, we’ve seen that
Jesus has performed many miracles, and has taught in several of our towns and cities, but he has also told many stories of a form called parables. Clever and mysterious, these parables contain deep wisdom but are often hard to decipher—this, however, merely adds to their appeal. They’ve been turned into books, tapes, films, games—even I’ve started jotting some of them down. Now one of them has been turned into a gameshow, and will be aired next week. Filming for the first episode finished yesterday, and NTTV has an exclusive clip from the first ever show of ‘Who wants to win a million talents?’

[Cut to gameshow set]

Talent:	You have five talents—but we don’t want to give you that. Here’s the next question: your 
boss has gone on holiday, and entrusted you with his money. Do you (a) Bury the money in the ground; (b) Have a party; (c) Invest the money; (d) Steal the money.

Contest:	Hmmm, that’s a tricky one.

Talent:	Remember that you still have three lifelines—ask the audience, 50:50, or pray to God.

Contest:	No, I think.... I’m going to go for (c).

Talent:	Invest the money?

Contest:	Yes, that’s right.

Talent:	Are you sure? Is that your final answer?

Contest:	Yes, I’m sure.

Talent:	[Sigh] You had five talents. You could have walked away. You could have buried them in the 
ground, but you chose to invest them... you now have ten talents!

[Cut back to studio]

Luke:	Chris Talent there, and his new gameshow based on one of Jesus’ parables. As you know 
Jesus was in fact recently arrested by the authorities, along with several rebels and zealots.

Mary:	And now you have the opportunity to do something about it. Yes in honour of the Passover, 	Pontius Pilate, has come into the studio to offer you, the NTTV viewer, the chance to choose 	which man will be released: Barabbas, the notorious bandit, or Jesus, the teacher and healer. 

[Enter Pilate]

Mary:	Call in now. The lines are open, and calls cost no more than one sesterces per minute.

[Phone rings]

Pilate:	[Answers phone] Hello? Caller number one, you’re on the air.

Caller1:	Hi, long time listener, first time caller - love the show. I’m just ringing to say you should 	release Barabbas. He’s a natural born leader.

Pilate:	But what’s wrong with Jesus?

Caller1:	He’s a blasphemer! A lunatic! Why only last week he said he’d tear down the temple and 	rebuild it in three days.

Pilate:	Well, thanks for your opinion. Caller number two?

Caller2:	Crucify! Crucify! Crucify!

Pilate:	Yes, yes, I get the idea. Which one?

Caller2:	What? Oh, well Jesus, obviously.

Pilate:	Why Jesus?

Caller2:	Well I, er, hold on a moment... [whispering] why do you want to kill Jesus? Uh huh.
[speaking] He’s a blasphemer! [pause, whispering] I see [speaking] and a lunatic! 
[whispering] what? Oh [speaking] and he said he’d tear down the temple...

Pilate:	Yes, yes, I get the idea. Caller number three?

Caller3:	Hello, I’d like to order your Passover special please.

Pilate:	What? Oh, right ha ha, which one?

Caller3:	I’d like the special cheese feast. Unleavened base, extra hissop, plenty of lamb.

Pilate:	I’m afraid I think you’ve dialed the wrong number.

Caller3:	What? You’re not Pronto Pizza?

Pilate:	No. Pontius Pilate, Governor of Judaea.

Caller3:	Oops, sorry.

Luke:	So there you see public support for Jesus is beginning to wane, yet only last week he was hailed as a hero. We sent Nosius to find out what the public really think of this curious turn of events.

	[Cut to Nosius]

Nosius:	Thanks Luke. I’m here in Jerusalem trying to get some reaction to the news that Jesus
has been arrested and will be sentenced shortly. Ah, here’s someone... Sir, may I have a word?

Peter:	What do you want?

Nosius:	Well as you surely know, Jesus has been sentenced to death by the Roman authorities.

Peter:	Yes. So?

Nosius:	Well you look like a Galilean, and I wondered what—

Peter:	I’m not a Galilean.

Nosius:	Really? You look like a Galilean. In fact, I think I saw you with Jesus last week.

Peter:	No, that can’t have been me. It must have been someone who looked like me. I have one of 
those faces.

Nosius:	No, I’m sure it was you. Weren’t you with them in the garden? I remember it clearly!

Peter:	[Angry] Look! How many times do I have to tell you? I am not a Galilean, and I was not with 
Jesus last week or at any other time! I don’t even know him!

[Cockerel crows as Nosius turns away]

	D’oh!

	[Cut back to studio]

Mary:	Thanks Nosius. Now, despite his general popularity, Jesus seems to have angered the 
authorities, and as a result he could face crucifixion. As you know, at this time of year it’s traditional for Pontius Pilate to release one of his prisoners as a goodwill gesture. This year the choice is between Jesus of Nazareth and Barabbas, and so today we have two phone-in questions: who should be released? What should be done with the other prisoner?

Well thousands of you have called in, and I believe we can now reveal the result. So without further ado, let’s go across to Matthew.

	[Cut to Matt standing by the flipchart]

Matt:	Thanks Mary. Before we take a look at the results of the phone-in, let’s take another look at 
the results of last week’s poll. 

[Reveals first set of figures on the flipchart]

As you can see 92% of the people in Jerusalem voted Jesus man of the decade, with Caiaphas getting 5% and Barabbas getting 3%. Of course, Caiaphas isn’t on trial so if we readjust this poll to remove those voting for Caiaphas we can see that—

[Reveals the next set of figures]

of the remainder 96.5% voted for Jesus and only 3.5% for Barabbas. You can see that it would take an enormous swing of 47% to oust Jesus from the top spot, and based on this it seems that Barabbas is in for an extended stay in gaol. Now we can take a look at the results of this week’s phone-in:

[Reveals the figures]

Well this is incredible! We can see that public opinion has swung all the way over and Barabbas now claims 98% of the vote, with just 2% voting for Jesus, and 0.5% voting for a Mega-cheese feast Passover special. That’s a swing of 94.5% in less than a week. I can’t recall a swing of this magnitude since the mass infanticide by the last Herod administration. What about the supplementary question; what should we do with Jesus?

[Reveals the figures]

Absolutely unbelievable. As you can see the 2% who voted to keep Barabbas in gaol said that he should be flogged and locked up, but it’s the 98% who wanted Jesus kept under lock and key who count, and of those a staggering 96% have voted for crucifixion. 

So it appears that, assuming Pilate accepts the results of this poll, Barabbas will be freed and Jesus will be crucified. Back to Mary and Luke.

Luke:	Thanks Matthew, and I’m hearing that even now Jesus is being nailed to a cross along with 
two thieves.  We’re not sure at this moment who they are, but we’ll let you know as 
soon as we do. I’m also hearing that the formal charge, which is of course nailed to the cross, simply reads “King of the Jews”. What do you make of that Mary?

Mary:	Well it’s certainly unusual. In fact-

	[Luke signals her to stop]

Luke:	I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut you off there Mary because I’m getting some breaking 
news... it appears that Jesus may already have died! As you can imagine there are quite astonishing scenes there in Jerusalem, and our Roman reporter Nosius Maximus is there in the midst of them. Over to you, Nosius.

	[Cut to Nosius]

Nosius:	Thanks Luke. As you can see it’s pitch black here although it’s only just after midday. Jesus 
has been crucified and, incredibly, he’s already dead. There are reports of graves opening all over Jerusalem and the dead being raised to life. I have two people with me now who may be able to clear things up. Firstly Securitas Maximus, you’re the centurion in charge of the crucifixion aren’t you?

Sec:	That’s right. 

Nosius:	What do you make of these events?

Sec:	Well I’ve presided over hundreds of crucifixions in my time, and I can tell you there was 
never a man died like this. He didn’t shout or scream, he was kind and forgiving even at the end. Then when he died the sky went pitch black and, well I’ve never seen anything like it. Surely this man was the son of God.

Nosius:	Well I know you’re busy looking after the other two crucifixions, so I’ll let you get back to 
work. Thank you for talking to us. Now this is Holius Guardus. Holius, perhaps you could start by explaining what you do and then explain what happened.

Holius:	 I’m one of the Temple Guards. One of my jobs is to make sure no-one but the High 
Priest goes into the Holiest of Holies.

Nosius:	We have many Roman viewers who may not be familiar with the temple layout. Perhaps you 
could explain why only the High Priest is allowed in.

Holius:	God is there, it’s as simple as that. We’re not worthy to enter into his presence or even look 
into that most holy place. There’s a big heavy curtain which screens it from the rest of the temple but when that Jesus died, well it was terrible! The curtain split right in two, top to bottom. I’d not have believed it but I saw it with my own eyes. It’s dreadful, absolutely awful. I mean that’s the way into God’s presence and now anyone can just walk right in!

Nosius:	Thanks Holius. Stunned scenes here in Jerusalem, but for now—back to the studio.

	[Cut back to Studio]

Luke:	Thanks Nosius. I’m hearing that they’re hurrying to bury Jesus now, before the start of the 
Sabbath. Something tells me that this isn’t the end of the story—but it is the end of part one. See you after the break.

[Cue: jingle. Cut to commercial break]

[Jesus II—Resurrection film trailer]

[Pentecost—Heineken ad]

[Stoning of Stephen—C&A/gap ad]

[Conversion of Saul—early Tango ad (you know when you’ve been...)]

[Cue: jingle. Cut back to sofa.]

Mary:	Hello, and welcome back. Now Corinthians were playing tonight and the game has just 
finished. Incredibly, Corinthians have lost 8-0 at home! I believe Nosius has their manager 
with him now—Nosius.

	[Cut to Nosius]

Nosius:	Thanks Mary. Yes, I’m here with the manger of Corinthians United, Biggus Ronnus. Ronnus, 
your team was taken apart today, and they seemed to be arguing a lot amongst themselves. Can you tell us what happened?

Ronnus:	Well Nosius, it was quite simple really. To one is given the gift of scoring goals—he is the 
striker. To another is the gift of saving goals—he is the goalkeeper. To still another is given the gift of passing—he is the midfielder—and to still another is given the gift of tackling—he is the defender. All these are trained by the same manager.

Nosius:	So you’re saying the players in your team had difficulty sticking to their roles?

Ronnus:	We didn’t have a team out there today, we had eleven individuals. You know, a team is a unit 
made up of many players—and though it’s players are many, they form one team. The striker cannot say to the defender “I don’t need you”, and the goalkeeper cannot say to the midfielder “I don’t need you”. In fact, as the manager, I have arranged all the players in the team, every one of them, just as I want them to be.

Nosius:	So it sounds like you’re pretty depressed in the dressing room.

Ronnus:	Well yes and no. We’ve not been performing well recently, that’s no secret, but I’ve just made 	a new signing and I hope he’ll change all that. He’s a goalkeeper, and a real team player, really 	pulls all the lads together. Just got him in from Nazareth Town FC--under the Bosman ruling, 	so he was totally free. His name’s Jesus, and you should see him save!

[Cut to weather]

Luke:	Thanks Mary. This is the weather forecast issued by the Patmos Met Office for the End Times, 	and the long-range forecast for Judgement Day.  

Over to you, John.

John:  	Right.  We should expect the opening of the seven seals to be accompanied by with some quite 	unique weather fronts.  When the sixth seal is opened we can expect the sun to go black, the 	moon to go red, the stars to fall and the sky to be rolled up.

	After that there will be a period in which no wind will blow.  Meanwhile God’s servants will be 	marked with a seal to keep them safe.  

	When the seventh seal is opened and the seven trumpets blow, you should probably stay 	indoors.  There will fall hail and fire (with a dash of blood) and a third of the earth will be 	burned up.  Now we expect a star to fall somewhere in the mid-tropics and turn a third of all 	the water will become bitter and undrinkable. Then the sun, moon and stars will be destroyed.
	We can then expect locusts to attack all those who have not been sealed as God’s people.  	After that a third of mankind will perish.  Finally heaven will be revealed, bringing with it 	earthquakes, lightning and hail. 
	
	Then a beast will sweep up from the sea, possibly through Cornwall. We expect it to be very 	dramatic, and unlike anything you’ve ever seen. In fact early reports indicate that many will 	worship this beast. Then another beast will come from the land. This one has two horns, but 	don’t worry, this beast must be friendly because its number is 999. [Listens in ear, then turns 	beast over] Oh. Sorry.

	After a lull in weather conditions, when the Beast is being worshipped, angels will bring the 	seven plagues, the last of which will bring an earthquake that will destroy the cities, islands 	and mountains of the world.  Then the heavens will open and there will be rain for 1000 years.
	[Listens in ear]  What?  That’s what I said!  ...  Yes, I said a one thousand year rain!  ...  Same
thing.   

	Anyway, when God’s vengeance is complete and Death has been put to death, 	there will be 	a new weather map, for a new heaven and a new earth.  No sea, though.  God 	shall live 	among his people.

Mary:  	Thanks, John.  I must warn you that any tampering with this programme will bring the 	severest 	of punishments. The Grace of the Lord Jesus be with you all.        

- END -

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