Oriental Enlightenment

Cast :	T:     Oriental master, short
	S:     Sing-Long Song, a lippy student
	F:     Fling-Long Chop, another student
	S2-S4: Three other students 

[All seated in a semi-circle with the master in the middle.]

T: 	Greetings students. You have come from far-off land to learn ways of Enlightenment. Enlightenment is of God, but he gives it to all who truly seek him. Let us close eyes and meditate on this.

S: 	Oh master, not again!

T: 	Peace. We meditate now. 

S: 	But we always meditate. When do we get some action?

T: 	Enlightenment is not a path to a door, but a road that goes forever towards the horizon.

S: 	Forever?!

T: 	Be silent now. Let us focus our minds. 

[T closes eyes and bows head. Students look at each other, perplexed. They close their eyes, and fidget nervously. Eventually T opens his eyes.]

T:	Very good, students.

S:	Now can we get on with it?

T:	Be still Sing-Long Song. Students, what would you do for Enlightenment?

S2:	I would go without sleep for a month, master.

S3:	I would not eat for a year, master.

S4:	I would lose both my legs, master.

S:	Well what are we waiting for?

T:	You are impatient, Sing-Long Song.

S:	I want to start getting some action! When do we get to beat people up?

T:	Beat people up?

S:	Sure, I got the pyjamas. Hi-ya! [Makes a chopping motion, and a series of punches accompanied by suitable exclamations.]

T:	Enlightenment is the wine of humility, not the vinegar of hostility. Come, let us meditate on this now.

S:	Look, shorty, are you going to teach me Enlightenment or am I going to have to start wiping the floor with you?
 
T:	Sing-Long Song, have you mastered the techniques of defence?

S:	I have.

T:	Rise, my child.

[S and T both stand in semicircle.]

T:	Ray.

[Both bow, keeping eyes on each other.]

T:	Now show me what you can do. Scrub hard.

[F makes circular motion with his right hand.]

T:	Dry off.

[F makes circular motion with left hand. They repeat this several times.]

T:	Now defend yourself. Hi!

[T punches elaborately and S blocks with a "scrub hard". T punches again, but S blocks with a "dry off". They repeat this several times.]

T:	Very good, Sing-Long Song. Now go help Mrs Master in kitchen.

S:	What?!

T:	Go on. Good for soul.

[S leaves, grumbling.]

T:	Now students, today we study most powerful practice. It focus spirit and body in perfect harmony. It called Burning Coal. Please be standing [everyone stands]. This is powerful technique for turning defence into mighty weapon. Fling-Long Chop, please be facing me.

[F and T walk to middle of semicircle and face each other.]

T:	Ray!

[They bow.]

T :	Now open-hand strike on face.

[F pats T's cheek with hand.]

T :	What you call this? Think I weak, yes? Judge me by my size do you? Strike!

[F gently slaps T.]

T :	You call that strike? What is matter, no have weetabix? Strike harder!

[F slaps T again, slightly harder. T grabs F and shakes him]

T :	Strike hard! Master say strike, you strike! No pat, no tap, no slap, you strike with open hand!

[T releases F, who gives a loud cry, and draws hand back a long way for a huge strike.]

T :	[Panicked] No no, too hard!

[T holds his hands up desperately as the blow comes down, and F stops the blow just in time.]

T :	Er, heh heh, might hurt hand. [T mimes hurting his hand] Now you slap [F slaps T gently]. What you do next students?

S2: Raging Bull, master? [Mimes a bull]

T :No, no, you play into his hands.

S3 :	Angry Tiger, master? [Mimes a tiger]

T :	Anger is a weapon only to your opponent.
                             
S4 :	Stinging sunflower, master? [Silence] Well, maybe not.

T :	No, use Burning Coal. Burning Coal is based on Strength In Weakness, and is most powerful weapon. What is foundation of Burning Coal, students?

S2-S4,F: Strength In Weakness.

T :	Very good. Now, as second strike come in [F raises hand and strikes slowly] you turn head [F strikes T's other cheek] and blow land on other cheek. Let us try again.

[F slaps T on one cheek, the T turns other as F strikes again.]

T :	There you see. Now you practice students.

[The students look puzzled, then pair off and start practising. S stalks back in angrily.]

T :	Ah Sing-Long Song, your soul is strengthened within you. Go practice with Fling-Long Chop. 

[Pretty soon they start crying out in pain with each slap, retaliating with harder slaps themselves. T wanders amongst them, encouraging them to turn their cheeks faster. After a while all start fighting.]

T :	No my children, no! Do not strike in anger! That way you play into enemy's hands.

[T tries to separate them, but all except F turn on him, attacking him and knocking him to the floor. S and S2-S4 stalk 
off stage, scowling viciously, leaving F and T alone]

T :	Why you not go too?

F :	I was ashamed, master, because I struck you and you did not retaliate. I struck Sing-Long Song too hard. I feel terrible.

T :	You feel Burning Coal, my son. You alone gain wisdom. You are not far from Enlightenment.

[F and T exit together]

- END -

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