Meta Romeo and Juliet

Cast :	Prince, Undertaker 1, Undertaker 2, Viola, Antonio

The Prince is centre stage. U1, U2 and V are facing him (backs to audience).  (Alternatively, have this bit done from a film version of "Romeo and Juliet").

Prince : Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things.
Some shall be pardoned, some punished.
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

(Exit Prince. U1 and U2 in background doing undertaker stuff!)

V: (in tears) That was true love if e'er true love I saw.
I'll wager two young souls ne'er loved more. 

(U1 and U2 digging.  They turn towards audience.  U2 is telling a dirty joke.)

U2: So she said: "but I've only got one"!!!

(They laugh. U1's mobile phone rings. The beeper is either Chopin's Funeral March or a really cheerful little ditty. U1 and U2 put on solemn faces, and stand mournfully.)

U1: (answers phone) Hello, Mortis and Mortis, Verona's most exclusive Funeral Directors, how may we be of assistance? ... Oh, hello Friar. Very well, thank you. How's the vegetable garden? Great. Anyway, I thought we'd be hearing from you. What's it to be? ... We'll need pencil and paper? (To U2) Take a note, Sid. (To phone) Fire away.

(U2 takes notes during the next exchange.)

U1: (unemotionally) Romeo and Juliet. Tybalt. Lady Montague. Mercutio. Paris. ... What's that? The Prince's cat?

U2: (very concerned) Not ... little Ginger?

U1: (nods. Both wipe their eyes.) (to phone) Yes, of course we'll give Ginger a good burial. Ok - we'll get back to you, Friar. (Hangs up.)

U2: So ... that's a booking for five singles and a double. 

(U1 and U2 turn back and continue digging.  Enter A)

A: You’ll never guess what happened on the way from church!  I met Sebastian. What a joker!  He came out with this … I nearly died laughing … oh he’ll be the death of me. All that laughing made me hungry … I could murder a steak.

(V sobs each time he mentions death. Now she wails with anguish)

A: You OK, sis?

V: Yes, yes. It's Romeo … it’s all just so …

A: (Looking round and seeing undertakers) Grisly, yeah.

V: "Grisly"?! Typical of you men … no romantic side to you.

A: Well ... what about Romeo’s romantic side?

V: Ah, but he was different. I saw him at the ball when he met Juliet and you could just
tell from his expression, his looks, that the world would never be the
same to him.

A: I thought he had a mask?

V: No mask could have hidden his feelings. If only he’d felt that way about me … (gets out a tear stained letter)

A: Ahhh … what’s this? (grabs letter)

V: No no … it’s nothing … really

A: (reading letter) Dearest Romeo … (to her) hmmm nothing?
Romeo, Romeo be thou my Romeo
If music be the food of love play on!
I’d feast and glut my soul upon your tunes!
My heart with love cries out like wild baboons
(skips over lines) Blah Blah Blah … (to audience) I’ll spare you the rest …
Ditch Juliet and marry me
Ever yours, with love from V
This is terrible.

V: Well it was only the first draft.  He died before I could write the final version.

A: You and Romeo?  What DID you see in him?

V: He was the greatest lover that ever lived.  I hear he risked his life to get to her balcony. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.

A: So, he'd be your ideal lover, eh? Proposing marriage after a few minutes chat? Killing your cousin for the sake of one of his mates?  Murdering someone who wanted to put flowers on your tomb?

V: You're forgetting that he died for her. 

A: Sure... but Mercutio died for him. More "true love", then? Anyway, I heard he was in love with someone completely different last week.  What if he’d died for her?  You can’t die for everyone you love.  Give me a break.

V: You don't understand. It's the tragedy, it's dying so young that makes it so beautiful.

(Undertakers dig / drag bodies across stage)

A: Just hold on, you say Romeo’s so great just because of the way he looked at Juliet.  But wouldn’t you prefer someone who actually loved for more than one week at a time?

V: Oh, but he was SO committed that he didn’t let anything stand in his way.

A: You mean he murdered anyone who got in his way.  Can’t love overcome all obstacles?  Must is always resort to violence?

V: You don’t understand … he’d have done anything for her … even die for her.

A: No no I’m afraid he didn’t.  Romeo thought she was dead and so he killed himself – how does that help Juliet, alive or dead?  He just wanted to end his own pain.  Now if he’d died for her – if by dying he could have saved her from some impending doom – that would have shown real love.  No, Romeo decided that he couldn’t face life on his own.  Real love is being prepared to give your life to help someone and to live everyday with that attitude.

V: (disgusted) Oh please Antonio, there’s no need to get all mushy.
- END -
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