Somebody’s Story

Cast :	Eyes	Cool and superior.
	Nose	Objects to bad smells.
	Mouth	Verbose. Oh yes.
	Hands	Proud of their thumbs, very demonstrative when they talk.
	Feet	Always running everywhere.

Props :	Eyes, Nose, Mouth, Hands, Feet, Chair, Table, Chocolate.

[Scene opens with all 5 characters on stage: FEET kneeling on the floor, HANDS standing behind, and MOUTH, NOSE and EYES standing on a CHAIR. There is a TABLE nearby, and on it is a bar of CHOCOLATE. Hold pose for a few seconds.]

N:	What is that smell?

M:	It’s the feet.

F:	It is not!

N:	Why do we even hang around with them?

H:	Beats me.

F:	Oh sure, well you know—without me you’ll never get anywhere.

H:	We’re not getting anywhere as it is.

E:	Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies. Why are you two arguing? 

H:	Cos the feet smell.

E:	Why do you care?

N:	I care.

E:	Shut up nose. Why do you care? Hey hands—why do you care?

H:	Cos they’re feet!

E:	So what? It’s the same part of the body.

H:	It ain’t the same part of the body. It ain’t even the same limb!

E:	So you’ve got an arm and he’s got a leg; what difference does that make? 

H:	What difference does it make? What difference does it make?

E:	Yeah what difference does it make? You gonna answer or are you just going to repeat everything I say.

H:	Look. Look at these [holds up thumbs]. What are these?

E:	[Sarcastic] Oh well, hey, I don’t know. Guess I didn’t care much for digital anatomy.

N:	They’re thumbs.

E: 	Shut up Nose.

H: 	They’re opposable thumbs. The seat of civilisation. I have them, the feet don’t. I can pick things up, the feet can’t. I can write, the feet can’t. I don’t smell, the feet do. Now I’m getting sick of your pathetic insults—what’s your point?

E: 	My point is, neither of you are anywhere near the head.

H:	I’ll be near the head in a minute if you don’t change your tune.

M:	Are you threatening him?

H:	I’m promising him.

M: 	Well you hit one of us you hit all three, so you choose your promises carefully.

H:	Or what?

N:	Will someone please take care of those dreadful feet!

F:	You watch it nose, I’ve just about had enough of you.

M:	Will you two shut up?

F:	No I will not shut up! I don’t need this you know, I don’t have to always toe the line. Things get hot, I can just walk away.

M:	So walk.

F:	Alright, I will. Just watch me.

E:	I’m watching.

F:	OK I’m going. Look, here I go. [Walks a little way. The hands kneel down and everyone else comes down from the chair and stands behind them. Pause] Well don’t get all mushy on me, so long [walks off]. I don’t need any of you anyway.

[Throughout, the  Feet walk and run around blindly and madly, bumping into things.]

N:	That’s a bit better.

M:	Who does he think he is? Did he think we’d be defeated if we were simply, um, de-feeted.

H:	We’ll show that stinking organ.

M:	Oh like you’re much better.

H:	What? I don’t smell!

M:	No but your armpits do.

H:	Leave off the armpits, they’re very important.

E:	Important to you.

H:	Important to all of us. Besides how do you know I smell?

M:	The nose said so.

N:	It’s true, but -

H:	Oh and you believe his every word do you?

M:	Look, what can I say? The guy’s a specialist. He nose what he’s talking about.

H:	I’ve half a mind to smack you right now.

M:	Are you gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

H:	Why you -

E:	[Firm] That’s it hands, I’m not having you anywhere near this head. Get lost.

H:	What?

E:	Push off. We don’t need you, so if you’re going to be abusive you can just leave.

H:	Well that’s just fine because I don’t need you either.

M:	And yet, you’re still here.

H:	Oh no, I’m gone. You think you’re so clever, but the hand is quicker than the eye, you know. Good riddance to bad rubbish. [crawls off, feeling in front of him blindly. MOUTH, NOSE, EYES kneel down]

M:	Yuch [spits].

H:	Another one bites the dust.

M:	[Sarcastic] Oh har-de-har. Let’s give him a big hand—to make up for those two poxy little ones.

H:	Yeah give me a big hand. I’ll smack it in your big fat mouth.

E:	Shut up Hand—Mouth, will you stop inciting him?

M:	Me?

E:	Yeah you. He’s old news, let him go. Grief, I’m beginning to wonder why I put up with you.

N:	Mouth -

M:	Shut up Nose. You put up with me?

E:	Yeah that’s about right.

M:	Well harken to you. I’m the one who has to put up with your condescending ways all day long. [Angrier] Don’t you raise your eyebrows at me! You think you’re so superior, so much smarter than us. You arrogant light sink.

E:	It would only be arrogance if I wasn’t smarter than you. Why do you think I’m the only organ with pupils?

M:	I’m still the only organ with teeth around here.

E:	[Sarcastic] Look at me, I’m shaking.

N:	Yeah, speaking of teeth... did you clean those this morning?

M:	What?

E:	Oh don’t tell me he smells too. Am I the only professional around here?

M:	Right that’s it! You can just shut up now—I do the talking around here.

E:	Well there’s certainly a lot of hot air, but I’m struggling to make sense of it all.

M:	Maybe that’s because you’re not as smart as you think you are.

N:	[Snaps] Right, both of you—outside, now!

E,M:	What?!

N:	I’ve had it. I don’t need this, and I don’t need you. All Mouth does is yak all day long, and all Eye does is look down on me. And when you’re not doing that you’re telling me to shut up.

M:	Yeah, shut up.

N:	That is it! Leave. Now. 

E:	[Patronising] Nose, I never knew you had it in you.

N:	[Coldly furious] Just go.

M:	Alright, I’m going. I don’t want to stay anyway, you’re always complaining about everyone. I don’t need you. [Mouth falls off to one side] Ouch!

N:	You too, hole-in-the-head.

E:	Well you know I’d leave in an instant Nose, but you need me.

N:	Why would anyone need you?

[Feet run into table, and fall with a loud noise]

E:	OK, fine. We’ll see how you get on. I’m out of here. [Rolls away]

N:	Don’t you roll your eyes at me!

E:	Oh for crying out loud, pick yourself up Feet. You look ridiculous.

F:	[Struggling to get up] Shut up Eyes, I don’t need you.

H:	[Feeling Feet] This is a funny rock.

E:	It’s not a rock, it’s the Feet.

H:	[Recoiling] Urgh! [Wailing] I touched the feet, I am unclean!

F:	Oh did I hurt your pride? Come back here and I’ll heel it.

N:	Hey, I can smell -

All:	Shut up Nose.

N:	But I can smell -

All:	We said shut it, Nose.

N:	But it’s chocolate!

All:	Chocolate! Where?!

[Feet start running around manically, tripping up and bumping into things. Hands crawl around as best they can, eyes roll around, mouth mumbles.]

N:	Oh if only I could find it!

E:	Let me help. [Eyes rejoin Nose] Where is it?

N:	Somewhere over there...

E:	What, near the table?

N:	There’s a table?

E:	Oh wait—yes, I can see it! Oh yes it’s chocolate! Lovely chocolate! Just there on the table, all this time...

M:	Stop, please stop! Oh my tingling tongue...

[Feet rush over, hands crawl towards the table]

F:	Ha ha! It’s mine, all mine. [Tries to jump up, but can’t. Hands can’t reach up]

E:	You’re way too small Feet.

F:	[Rejoins them] Look, maybe you’ll be able to get close enough. [They move to the table].

E:	Oh no, it’s got a wrapper. How on earth are we going to—wait a minute. We need a hand! Hey Hands! Hands my friend, fancy helping out? 

H:	For chocolate? Of course! What can I do for you? [He rejoins them]

E:	Oh this is going to be soooo good! There they are Hands, there on the table. Just reach out... left a bit...

H:	[Stretches for the chocolate] I touched it! I’ve almost... Got it!

[Hands bring it back and unwrap the chocolate]

H:	Oh, hang on a minute...

F:	We seem to have forgotten something...

E:	How do we eat things again?

N:	Didn’t there used to be something just below me?

M:	[Mumbles] Oh I’m so close I can almost taste it, but...

All:	Of course—Mouth!

N:	Please come up here Mouth.

M:	Oh I don’t need asking twice! [Rejoins them] Where is it? Where? Where? Whe-- [Hands put chocolate in] Mmmm, chocolate.

All:	Mmmm, chocolate.

M:	And you know, God’s a bit like that.

N:	Shut up and eat.

[All exit]

- END -

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