BLUR & OASIS

(Narr stands C.S. wearing a blur Tshirt.)

Narr	Let's talk about pop music.  Who's the best band in Britain at the moment?  No question, Blur.  A facts a fact.  They got to number one, lives in a house, a very big house, know what the number of that house was, number one.  (Robber sneaks on behind Narr.) 	Blur are the best.  Now, Oasis, not the best, at allarrrggghh.  

(Narr is attacked by robber with knife).

Robb	Shut up an' gimme all yer money, or the world's goin to become a real nasty place for no good reason.  (Freeze)

Narr	By this time, I was really scared.  So I handed over my wallet and hoped he'd go away.  

(Frantic activity as robber threatens Narr who hands over the wallet, then freeze)  

Narr	If my mates had been there I would have fought back, but the guy had a knife, so I gave him my watch as well, just in case.  

(Narr gives robber the watch and pleads while the robber examines it.  Robber is unimpressed, puts away and starts to beat up Narr.  Freeze)

Narr	But he still beat me up, which I thought was a bit unfair.  

(Robber beats Narr to floor then runs off.  Narr sits up)

Narr	So there I was, half my bones broken, bleeding to death, when...

(She collapses again.  Blur fan enters, humming 'Parklife'.  When he is halfway to Narr, Freeze)

Narr	Thank goodness, an ally.

(Blur fan walks past)

Narr	Help....help me!

Blur	(looking round but not stopping)  Hey nice Tshirt

Narr	Please, help a fellow blur fan.

Blur	(Turning round)  Which album do you think I should get, 'Great Escape' or 'Modern Life is rubbish'?

Narr	Look, I bleeding to death here!

Blur	I haven't heard of that one.  I'll go and see if they've got it.

Narr	(Sitting up)  I couldn't believe he just ignored me.  If a blur fan wouldn't help me, who would?  

(Cliff fan enters humming 'Christmas time')

Narr	(Cliff freezes, Narr sits up) Ah, the answer to my question.  (She collapses again)

Narr	Help me, call an ambulance.

Cliff	In times of adversity, it is so important to think positively, chin up and all that.  We learn through adversity you know.

Narr	The only thing I'm likely to learn is how much blood my body holds!

Cliff	That's right, count your blessings, look on the bright side and everything will be fine.  

Narr	But.... look..

Cliff	I must go.  It's so great to have been able to help someone in need. (He exits)

Narr	After that, I really thought I was done for.  My time had come.  I could feel my life slipping away, when along comes a, well there was this ,  I mean she was a, well she  liked...

(Enter Oasis fan wearing Oasis Tshirt, singing 'You got to roll with it' etc. She sees Narr)

Narr	This was all I needed.

Oasis	Hey, you OK?  What happened?  

(Takes out tissue and starts to mop up the blood.)

Narr	Take your hands off me.  I'm alright.  You stick to your own kind.

Oasis	That doesn't matter.  You're in very bad shape.  I'll get an ambulance. (She exits)

Narr	Being an enemy, I thought she would just leave me for dead.  So you can imagine my surprise when a few minutes later, she came back, with an ambulance.  

(Oasis fan enters with doctor.  They pick Narr up and start to lead her off.  Then Freeze)

Narr	So there you go.  That, Oasis fan, actually helped me.  She even went to casualty with me in the ambulance and made sure the police didn't bother me.  I still prefer Blur to Oasis, but I also prefer being alive today rather than being dead on the ground because of some petty difference of opinion.

- END -
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