The House on the Rock (and associated buildings)

Estate Agent,	Mr Noel Lot,		Mr Stuart Pid

Scene:  An estate agents. Desk SR with chair behind.  Board SC with house pictures.
(EA is sitting behind desk.  NOEL Enters)
EA	Good morning sir, how may I help you?
Noel	I was looking at your advert in the local paper and it seems that a house has just come onto the market that exactly meets my requirements.
EA	Ah, that would be Firm Flats, up on Rocky Road.
Noel	Yes, that's the one.  Is it still available?
EA	Indeed.  Would you like to look around it?  
Noel	Yes please, if it isn't inconvenient.
EA	Not at all.  If I could just have your name.  (Goes to desk and gets a clipboard)
Noel	Of course, (slowly) Mr Noel Lot.
EA	Noel Lot, right.  If  you'll follow me..  (He is interrupted by STU entering noisily and tripping over the step.)
Stu	(Extending a hand to EA)  Stu Pid.
EA	I beg your pardon.
Stu	's me name, Stuart Pid.  Friends call me Stu.  (He peers at the house photos)
EA	Yeah I bet.
Stu	D' you sell houses?
EA	Indeed, this is an estate agents.
Stu	Oh I don't want no estate.  I just want a little house.
Noel	Sorry to interrupt, but were we going to see this house?
EA	But of course.  I'll just deal with this gentlem.. er.. this person.
Stu	D' you think you'll be able to find me anything?
EA	Well I'm just going to visit a new house so if you'd like to come....
Stu	Oh great.  I'll come right away.  (He heads off the stage)
EA	...back later.  (He exits, apologising to NOEL who follows)

Scene:  Rocky road.  Desk and chair removed.  Board is turned round to reveal a house with a sign in front saying 'Rocky road'
EA	This is it, detached, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms 1 kitchen, nice location.
Noel	Very solid area.  Just as I hoped.
Stu	It's a pity about the walls.
Noel	What's wrong with them?
Stu	Too many of 'em for a start.  You know what they say about three's company, four's a crowd.
Noel	Don't you mean two's company..
Stu	And another thing.  What silly builder started the walls on the ground floor?
EA	What?!
Stu	It'd be a great saving on air conditioning.  Start  the walls on the first floor and you get a nice breeze blowing downstairs, while it stays nice and warm upstairs, so you can take your pick.
Noel & EA	Yeeeeessss.  (STU examines the house while the others talk)
Noel	I'm a rather security conscious person.  Would I have to spend much to increase the safety of this house?

EA	Oh you don't need to worry about that.  This is the safest house in the city.  Built to withstand any attacks that either man or weather can throw at it.  Guaranteed to resist all winds and storms up to force seventeen, water resistant to fifty meters, and fitted with the latest in burglar alarms.
Stu	Is it one of those new fangled self destruct alarms?  I saw it in a James Bond film. This guy tries to break into this car, and it exploded.  
Noel	What would be the point of that on a house?
Stu	Er, well, it could be a flood defense system right.  Flood comes up, threatens to wash the house away, but as soon as the water touches the walls, they collapse, forming a dam around the house so that the water can't get in and ruin your furniture.
EA	I don't think this house has that kind of system fitted, but I think I can offer you one that does.  
Stu	Oh yes?
EA	Yes, number 13 Sandy street.  Follow me..  (They exit.  Board is pushed across the stage and the sign is changed to read 'Sandy street'  They enter, lead by EA) There we are.  First floor walls again I'm afraid but if you look at the state of the foundations and the decidedly crumbly nature of their construction, you will see that they are unlikely to remain standing for long. 
Stu	Oh that's much better.  But what about inside?
EA	Er.. 2 bedrooms, one with en suite bathroom.
Stu	En sweet.  You mean like a gingerbread house?  Sounds great, bath so choclatey 	it even turns the water brown, eh.
Noel & EA	Yeeeeeesssss.
Noel	Any garden at all?
EA	Well if you have children who like making sand castles, they'll love this.  It also has a pond, of sorts.
Noel	Of sorts?
EA	We call it a pond because the quicksand is slightly more liquid there than in the rest of the garden.
Noel	After careful consideration, I think I'll go for the house back on Rocky road.  This one looks about as strong as a piece of wet toilet paper.
EA	A wise choice Mr Noel Lot.  I'll get on to the current owners to settle the necessary details.
Stu	Does that means that this one is still available?
EA	Certainly Mr Stupi.. er Mr Pid.
Stu	Then I'll take it.
EA	As you wish.  (He exits.  STU approaches NOEL.)
Stu	Very generous of you to not to make an offer on this one.
Noel	Well, I saw how much you wanted it and I just didn't have the heart to deprive you of it.
SFX	Quiet rumble of thunder (NOEL holds out his hand and looks at the sky.)
Noel	Looks as if there's a storm brewing.  If you'll excuse me I'll get back to my new house.  I don't want to be anywhere near this one when the rain starts.
Stu	Suit yourself. (He scampers off. STU goes behind the board and takes it offstage)

- END -

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